Happy Birthday Guadalupe, Happy Birthday Me

Dear Killers,

I know I'm a hater and all but I'd like to thank you for bringing a pretty good looking Dylan McKay back to us.

Danke,
Shazi

Ruuueeened!!!

Dear Michael Weston,

Please stop ruining my TV shows.

Thanks,
Carly

P.S.You must pay for what you've done to Scrubs and now House.

C is for COOKIE

Dear Universe (and cookies for breakfast haters),

COOKIES ARE NOT A SOMETIMES FOOD!! THEY ARE AN ALL THE TIME FOOD!! Don't you go ruining my COOKIE MONSTER!!

Love,
Katie

Make Me A Sandwich

Dear Safeway Sandwich Maker (This is also directed at Subway Sandwich Maker),

When I order a veggie sandwich, let's not skimp on let's say, the VEGGIES.  It kind of makes it a veggie sandwich.

Love,

Katie

Dear Bronchitis,

Please leave.

Love Always,

Mbear

...On A Stick

Dear Comedy Central,

Jeff Dunham is NOT funny.  STOP. Why are you doing this to America? STOP.

Love,

Cara C.

Shhh...........

Dear Universe,

Why isn't there a Children Whisperer?  We've got the Dog Whisperer, the Ghost Whisperer and the Horse Whisperer.  It seems only right that there be a Children Whisperer.  And please hurry and deal with the child in the stroller sitting behind me who is kicking their leg into my elbow. 

Love Always,
Louise

Dear Monday (and/or Uterus),

I know we've had our troubles in the past, but I think we can work it out.  In other words, I come in peace...white flag and everything.  Let's just put the past stress, anxiety and sleepy starts behind us and have a wonderfully productive day. I KNOW we can do it. 

What do you say?
-Tamra

Shirts Off, Shirts On

Dear Bodybuilder Man who purposely walks through our lovely town with your shirt off,

1. GROSS!
2. Put your shirt back on!
3. Winter is right around the corner and frostbite happens.

Love Always,
Dana M.

Odes to October

Dear October,

Welcome, Welcome...I can't even tell you how happy I am that you are here. You are my favorite of all the months and it is not even my birthday or anything. I have to admit I was a little unprepared for you after last month's heat wave extravaganza and I didn't fully dress for your arrival at the rink this morning, but I am totally glad that you arrived safely!

Love & Affection,
Tamra

Hello October, My Long Lost Friend,

I've been looking forward to your cool breezes. Rain too, please?

;) nng

Parents Just Don't Understand

Dear MOMZ,

Your baby should NOT have a Facebook page. Thanks.

Love,
Cara

Love of My Life

Dear EHarmony,

You say you will meet the love of your life...how about the psycho of your future???

Love,

Rayer Marie

Law Abiding Citizen

Dear Murphy's Law,

Who passed you anyway?

Love Always,
Bert

Dear Universe,

Reason #145 of why I can't stand kids: STROLLERS - what the f***?

Love Always,
kg

Hamsters are Make-Believe

Dear MSN,

Today's Picks:
How do I tell my kids their pet hamster died?

Answer: You tell them it never really existed.

Love,
The Universe

Freeway BaNaNaS!

Dear Man in a Banana Suit on the Freeway Overpass,

GET OFF THE FREEWAY OVERPASS!

Stop yelling and screaming crazy, incoherent things, because it is creating a major traffic jam. Jam don't go with bananas! Peanut butter does, in case you couldn't put that one together. Also, now I have that bananas in pajamas are coming down the stairs song stuck in my head. THANKS A LOT BUDDY.

Love Always,
Raye & Louise, on behalf of everyone that was on the 101 S freeway headed towards downtown LA around 7pm on 9/9/09.

How Bout Dem Apples

Dear Organic Apple,

You are gross.

Love,
Katie

The Big 3-0

Dear Universe,

I’m 30… now what?

Later,

rayer

TACO DEATH FOREVER

Dear Universe,

I want to eat tacos
crunchy
soft
salady
ALL OF THEM

Love Always,

The Day After Thanksgiving Folks

No Cabbie Control

Dear Cab drivers,

Please learn to drive since it's your job. One should be able to take a cab without getting run over, running over someone else, enjoy getting from point a to point b without hitting every damn curb.

Love Always,

anon.

Back that THANG up!

Dear Lady in line behind me,

Please take a step back, you are too close! No one can get in front of you, the ropes are here to prevent that. I can hear you breathing and I hope that you can read this as I type it into my phone...BACK UP!!!

Love Always,

anon.

Dear Universe,

Please help me to not stalk people on Facebook.

Love Always,

Rayer Marie & Louise

Dear Universe,

What the hell is moo-shu vegetables?

Also, what's in a Chinese taco?

Love Always,

Jenny "Rainbow Cherry Edison" Wong

Breathe In....Breathe Out....

Dear Lungs,

First off, you are TOTALLY appreciated! I know I am pushing you past capacity this week. Walking by the grass cutter guy... so not cool. You can't really blame me for the wildfire thing that has ash drifting in my yard though. Love... the inhaler idea, but they are expensive esp without insurance so no go there... but I will try to stay indoors. Hang in there... you are doing great!

Love Always,
Tamra

Dear Monday,

Thanks for coming, now please leave.

Your Buddy,

Rey

Coffee is for Lovers

Dear Iced Grande 5 pump hazelnut with cream coffee,

I want to thank you for being in my life and helping me through this day for I would be truly lost without you. You mean ever so much to me and if I could I would hug you!

Screw it, I WILL hug you!

Love,
ME!

Dear Universe,

I do not have pancake mix. I am single!

Later,

Rayer Marie

Damn New Fangled Devices!!!

Dear Electronics,

Would you mind giving us a memo at least 24 hours in advance of your moodiness so we can best accommodate you?

Thanks.

Love,

Natalie Nicole

Shape it up Les!

Dear Les Paul,

I like the shapes you made wood into. Good Job. RIP.

Love Always,

Rachel Rose

Dear guy in tight girl pants,

When you sit down I see your butt crack...that is weird and not right.
Get some man pants and a belt.

Love Always,

Erin 'Peruzzi' Oginsky

Dear Sarah,

How can we stop mocking you if you never go away?

Love,

America

A Puma Ponders Once Again

Dear Universe,

Why did you make hipster boys so cute, and me so invisible to them?

Love Always,

Puma

It's a hit!

Dear L Word,

I really think you should have called the club "Kelena."

Just saying.

Love Always,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

Please tell Wordscraper that TWAT is a word. It's not invalid.

Thanks,

KG

It's Getting Hot in Here

Dear Mr. Sun,

Please stop. Thanks.

Your friend,

Rey

Dear Ray Liotta,

Why isn't your point person listed on IMDBpro? Seriously Ray, seriously.

Love Always,

The Bear

Doesn't Get More Metal Than This

Dear Universe,

Can Billy Joel go back to being wicked metal?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swiI32BcNUU

http://blogrizzard.blogspot.com/2007/11/really-bad-early-billy-joel.html

(And by really bad I think he means really great)

Love Always,

Death Furnace Phelps

A Puma Cub Ponders

Dear Universe,

I was hanging out with this guy and he's fucking crazy. Too bad he was so much fun.
Not that he's not boyfriend material but he'd make a shitty boyfriend.

What's a puma cub to do?

Love Always,

emily the strangeeeee

Pregnancy is Fun

Dear Universe,

I was waiting in line in the deli section at Ralph's and overheard a very detailed conversation between the clerk and a customer regarding her C section.

Thanks for sharing.

Love Always,
Eddie R.

Summer of 1994

Dear Toadies,

You're still a band?

Love Always,

-Anon.

Dear Online Dating Sites...

Dear Online Dating Sites,

Why do you find it amusing to constantly barrage me with: obese people. Asians (seriously, like, I got the yellow fever as much as the next person, but why so many? Are there more Asians on internet dating sites than other races? I THINK NOT. Stop discriminating!). Pregnant women. People with children. People looking for a threesome.

Why, online dating site? WHY?!??!

Love Always, Your Friend,

Online Dater

Dear Online Dating Losers...

Dear Online Dating Losers,

Please keep your shirt on and do not take pictures of yourself with your camera or phone in the shot. It makes you look like a douche. Also, learn to type in complete sentences. WITHOUT CAPS LOCK ON.

THANK YOU, ONLINE DATING WINNER

A Few Notes from Rayer Marie

Dear Freeway Traffic,

I do not like you. Go away!

Later,
Rayer Marie

Dear Internet,

Why are you so slow? What did I do to you?

Later,
Rayer Marie

Dear Universe,

Why did you make my bladder so small?

Later,
Rayer Marie

A Puma Ponders....

Dear Universe,

Why's a puma so sad?

Love Always, Your Friend,

Puma

Dear Younger Men,

Why are you so easy to talk to? Is it because I'm old?

Love Always, Your Friend,

Puma

Dear Academy of Television Arts & Sciences,

Thank you for nominating Family Guy for a best series Emmy. Definitely deserved it, though probably not for this season. Also, what's up with Mad Men and 30 Rock snagging ALL the writing nods? Don't get me wrong, both shows are well written, but it's a bit of overkill in those categories. Get with the program, Emmys. There's other stuff on TV.

But, in all fairness, THANK YOU for nominating like everything Damages ever did. You really overlooked Tate Donovan in Supporting Actor/Director categories, but I will overlook that, as you nominated just about everyone else you could. Well, except for Marcia Gay Harden, who ruled last season. Also, since when is Rose Byrne a "Supporting" Actress in that series? Damn, Emmys. What up with that?

Also, a side note to all awards shows: There are too many of you. You always nominate the same things each year. It would be fantastic if you'd change your formats a bit (maybe stretch announcements over a few days - like, say, Monday for dramas, Tuesdays for comedys, Wednesdays for technical awards, and announce them via webcasts or during primetime dramas with multiple presenters/hosts?) Just a thought.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

Dear Weather,

Why you gotta be so hot?

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

I would like some chocolate pudding right now.

Love Always,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

I would like to draw mice for a living.

Love Always,

Emily

Dear Universe,

Did that jy just leave?

Love Always,

Emily

Dear Universe,

Please make more movies like American Primitive.

Love Always,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Facebook,

I have a few bones to pick with you. First of all, I'm still sort of pissed that you opened yourself to the whole world a few years back. The uneducated rabble belong on Myspace and Twitter, the home base of porn stars and 13 year olds. Seriously. Wtf. Facebook was supposed to be for COLLEGE STUDENTS. PERIOD. You should at least have kept the high school/college portions separate, if you NEEDED to add high schoolers. Ugh. I'm really learning just how many people in the world don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" as a result of your change. Ignorance was bliss in that area, Facebook.

Secondly, the new format changes have pretty much all been bad. It was a lot more streamlined before. Don't get me wrong, I like the ability to modify preferences more, but with this whole "opening to the world" thing, which you clearly did for money, come quizzes and applications and all this other random bs that we never needed to begin with. The news feed and the info and whatnot were better prior to that as well (seriously, what are all these random boxes? It takes a billion years for some pages to load). Emulating Myspace is NOT a good thing.

Thirdly, as I mentioned previously, I really enjoy the ability to modify preferences. I like that I can choose which friends I do and don't want to see in my news feed. This allows me to ignore those that have no grasp of basic elementary school level grammatical constructions. It also allows me to hide exes, frenemies, and full on arch nemeses from my feed. Then, Facebook, you decide that it's a FANTASTIC IDEA to add a "highlights" section, which randomly pulls popular or new media from my friends' pages. EVEN THE ONES I'VE HIDDEN. That's like getting a fucking restraining order on someone, except they're allowed to sit on your front porch. Or they can hang out with you on Wednesdays. What. The. Fuck. Facebook, there's a reason I don't want to see these people. I don't like them. Or I like them, but I don't want to read about them. Or perhaps I'm still working on getting over them, and don't want to see them on my front page (but felt obligated to friend them back, 'cause otherwise I look like an asshole). Facebook, I'm really not an asshole. I just like you the way you used to be. Given that you won't go back to then, can you please either remove the highlights section completely, or allow it to be modified a la the news feed? Thank you.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

Back That Thang Up

Dear Guy who stands really close behind me at the gym when I'm drinking from the water fountain....could you, like, back up? Thanks.

Love Always,

Nathan Scoggins

From the Church Choir

Dear Creepy Church guy (You know who you are)

Do not ask me for a ride, even though we live close, to church. You have a car and you still ask. Not to be green, but because I think you will be hitting on me the whole way and never pitch in for gas. Besides, I am weary of you knowing where I live.

Yours truly,

Rayer Marie

Attention Drivers!

Dear BMW & Mercedes drivers,

1. There are other people on the road.
2. I know how to drive my 4 cylinder American car.
3. I know you have blinkers, but I don’t know if you were taught to use them. Or if they work in your car… check the blinker fluid. J
4. If you have a car that has that much power, for the love of God, learn how to use it correctly.
5. I will play bumper cars with you cuz my daddy can fix my car.
6. The only status symbol you get with a car like that, is that you are a douche nozzle.

Love Always,

Rayer Marie

Dear Julie Delpy,

I adore you.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

A Dear Jon Letter

Dear Jon,

Why is your face so large and in charge on the billboard on Fountain? Seeing your large face did not make me "get happy." Instead, it made me "get scared." You should consider replacing your face with puppies, rainbows, kittens, ice cream, or anything else that might ACTUALLY make someone happy. God invented airbrushing for a reason. Please, Jon. Airbrush. For the children.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

Why do we sometimes say we are "in a jam" but never "in a jelly"?

Love Always, Your Friends,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

Why isn't Stephanie March in my pants?

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

Dear We Are the Fallen,

Don't front. We all know you're Evanescence with a new lead singer. Your music, your arrangements, and your band members are practically identical. Your new single is basically a B-Side off of Fallen. Wonder where you got your band name?

Carly is fine. Nothing wrong with her. But she ain't got the pipes that Amy has. We like your old sound. It's why we bought your albums to begin with. It's great - it's just not something new. So keep it coming. But don't pretend it's something new when it's so clearly not.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

We Are the Fallen

vs.

Evanescence

Dear Universe,

Clearly you missed us a few posts back. "Ridiculous" does not have an "e" anywhere in it. "Definitely" does not have an "a" anywhere in it. If you don't know how to spell "intelligent" (or how to use spellcheck to make sure you're spelling it correctly), you probably shouldn't use that word to describe yourself.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

Please bring Jon La Joie to Los Angeles so we can go see him live.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Sheryl Crow,

Is every day truly a "winding" road? Why not a "twisting" road? Or a "curvy" road? What is up with your synonym bigotry?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Love Always, Your Friends,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

Everyone should immediately see the film Candleshoe, starring 12-year-old Jodie Foster. It is "so badass," also winner of "best fight scene ever" in the Emily's Opinion As of Today Awards.

Love Always, Your Friend,

Emily

Dear Universe,

Why am I not in Olivia Benson's vajayjay?

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Other Ice Cream Betch

Dear Universe,

Why am I not in Jodie Foster's vajayjay?

Love Always, Your Friend,

One of the Ice Cream Betches

Dear World,

A quick lesson. "It's" means "it is." "You're" means "you are." "Alot" is not a word. Even this stupid blogger spellcheck doesn't like it.

We live in a world with spellcheck readily available. Even if you're (that's YOU ARE) an idiot, you can always use spellcheck. AND YOU SHOULD.

Don't even get me started on actually PUBLISHED journalists.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

Dear World,

Please hand me everything I desire in the world, without any precedence set forth, qualifications, or verification of previous employments. Suck it, world.

Love Always, Your Friend,

Emily

Dear Subway/Metro/Train/Bus/Public Transportation Travelers,

LET THEM OFF BEFORE YOU GET ON.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

PS And stand clear of the closing doors for Christ's sake.

Dear Girl on the Bus Who I Don't Talk to but See Every Morning,

Will you please be my friend?

Love Always, Your Friend,

Emily

Dear World,

Can you teach everyone who learns how to drive how to signal so we won't be late getting to Ralph's due to their shitty driving, and therefore will be able to get our Ben & Jerry's on without any inconvenience?

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Homeless Ppl Asking for Change and Other Random Ppl on the Street,

Please don't talk to me or ask me for change when I have my headphones BLASTING with music,

Love Always, Your Friend,

Emily

Dear World,

Can you make sure that people who work really hard and do grunt work for everyone else get paid FAIRLY for their effort?

Love always, Your friend,

Emily

PS Or at least thanked once in a while

Dear Restaurants,

Can you please teach everyone who answers your phone to speak the official language of the country they are delivering food in?

Love, Your Friend,

The Bear