Dear Universe,

Why isn't Stephanie March in my pants?

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

Dear We Are the Fallen,

Don't front. We all know you're Evanescence with a new lead singer. Your music, your arrangements, and your band members are practically identical. Your new single is basically a B-Side off of Fallen. Wonder where you got your band name?

Carly is fine. Nothing wrong with her. But she ain't got the pipes that Amy has. We like your old sound. It's why we bought your albums to begin with. It's great - it's just not something new. So keep it coming. But don't pretend it's something new when it's so clearly not.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

We Are the Fallen

vs.

Evanescence

Dear Universe,

Clearly you missed us a few posts back. "Ridiculous" does not have an "e" anywhere in it. "Definitely" does not have an "a" anywhere in it. If you don't know how to spell "intelligent" (or how to use spellcheck to make sure you're spelling it correctly), you probably shouldn't use that word to describe yourself.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

Please bring Jon La Joie to Los Angeles so we can go see him live.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Sheryl Crow,

Is every day truly a "winding" road? Why not a "twisting" road? Or a "curvy" road? What is up with your synonym bigotry?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Love Always, Your Friends,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

Everyone should immediately see the film Candleshoe, starring 12-year-old Jodie Foster. It is "so badass," also winner of "best fight scene ever" in the Emily's Opinion As of Today Awards.

Love Always, Your Friend,

Emily

Dear Universe,

Why am I not in Olivia Benson's vajayjay?

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Other Ice Cream Betch

Dear Universe,

Why am I not in Jodie Foster's vajayjay?

Love Always, Your Friend,

One of the Ice Cream Betches

Dear World,

A quick lesson. "It's" means "it is." "You're" means "you are." "Alot" is not a word. Even this stupid blogger spellcheck doesn't like it.

We live in a world with spellcheck readily available. Even if you're (that's YOU ARE) an idiot, you can always use spellcheck. AND YOU SHOULD.

Don't even get me started on actually PUBLISHED journalists.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

Dear World,

Please hand me everything I desire in the world, without any precedence set forth, qualifications, or verification of previous employments. Suck it, world.

Love Always, Your Friend,

Emily

Dear Subway/Metro/Train/Bus/Public Transportation Travelers,

LET THEM OFF BEFORE YOU GET ON.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

PS And stand clear of the closing doors for Christ's sake.

Dear Girl on the Bus Who I Don't Talk to but See Every Morning,

Will you please be my friend?

Love Always, Your Friend,

Emily

Dear World,

Can you teach everyone who learns how to drive how to signal so we won't be late getting to Ralph's due to their shitty driving, and therefore will be able to get our Ben & Jerry's on without any inconvenience?

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Homeless Ppl Asking for Change and Other Random Ppl on the Street,

Please don't talk to me or ask me for change when I have my headphones BLASTING with music,

Love Always, Your Friend,

Emily

Dear World,

Can you make sure that people who work really hard and do grunt work for everyone else get paid FAIRLY for their effort?

Love always, Your friend,

Emily

PS Or at least thanked once in a while

Dear Restaurants,

Can you please teach everyone who answers your phone to speak the official language of the country they are delivering food in?

Love, Your Friend,

The Bear