Dear Sarah,

How can we stop mocking you if you never go away?

Love,

America

A Puma Ponders Once Again

Dear Universe,

Why did you make hipster boys so cute, and me so invisible to them?

Love Always,

Puma

It's a hit!

Dear L Word,

I really think you should have called the club "Kelena."

Just saying.

Love Always,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

Please tell Wordscraper that TWAT is a word. It's not invalid.

Thanks,

KG

It's Getting Hot in Here

Dear Mr. Sun,

Please stop. Thanks.

Your friend,

Rey

Dear Ray Liotta,

Why isn't your point person listed on IMDBpro? Seriously Ray, seriously.

Love Always,

The Bear

Doesn't Get More Metal Than This

Dear Universe,

Can Billy Joel go back to being wicked metal?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swiI32BcNUU

http://blogrizzard.blogspot.com/2007/11/really-bad-early-billy-joel.html

(And by really bad I think he means really great)

Love Always,

Death Furnace Phelps

A Puma Cub Ponders

Dear Universe,

I was hanging out with this guy and he's fucking crazy. Too bad he was so much fun.
Not that he's not boyfriend material but he'd make a shitty boyfriend.

What's a puma cub to do?

Love Always,

emily the strangeeeee

Pregnancy is Fun

Dear Universe,

I was waiting in line in the deli section at Ralph's and overheard a very detailed conversation between the clerk and a customer regarding her C section.

Thanks for sharing.

Love Always,
Eddie R.

Summer of 1994

Dear Toadies,

You're still a band?

Love Always,

-Anon.

Dear Online Dating Sites...

Dear Online Dating Sites,

Why do you find it amusing to constantly barrage me with: obese people. Asians (seriously, like, I got the yellow fever as much as the next person, but why so many? Are there more Asians on internet dating sites than other races? I THINK NOT. Stop discriminating!). Pregnant women. People with children. People looking for a threesome.

Why, online dating site? WHY?!??!

Love Always, Your Friend,

Online Dater

Dear Online Dating Losers...

Dear Online Dating Losers,

Please keep your shirt on and do not take pictures of yourself with your camera or phone in the shot. It makes you look like a douche. Also, learn to type in complete sentences. WITHOUT CAPS LOCK ON.

THANK YOU, ONLINE DATING WINNER

A Few Notes from Rayer Marie

Dear Freeway Traffic,

I do not like you. Go away!

Later,
Rayer Marie

Dear Internet,

Why are you so slow? What did I do to you?

Later,
Rayer Marie

Dear Universe,

Why did you make my bladder so small?

Later,
Rayer Marie

A Puma Ponders....

Dear Universe,

Why's a puma so sad?

Love Always, Your Friend,

Puma

Dear Younger Men,

Why are you so easy to talk to? Is it because I'm old?

Love Always, Your Friend,

Puma

Dear Academy of Television Arts & Sciences,

Thank you for nominating Family Guy for a best series Emmy. Definitely deserved it, though probably not for this season. Also, what's up with Mad Men and 30 Rock snagging ALL the writing nods? Don't get me wrong, both shows are well written, but it's a bit of overkill in those categories. Get with the program, Emmys. There's other stuff on TV.

But, in all fairness, THANK YOU for nominating like everything Damages ever did. You really overlooked Tate Donovan in Supporting Actor/Director categories, but I will overlook that, as you nominated just about everyone else you could. Well, except for Marcia Gay Harden, who ruled last season. Also, since when is Rose Byrne a "Supporting" Actress in that series? Damn, Emmys. What up with that?

Also, a side note to all awards shows: There are too many of you. You always nominate the same things each year. It would be fantastic if you'd change your formats a bit (maybe stretch announcements over a few days - like, say, Monday for dramas, Tuesdays for comedys, Wednesdays for technical awards, and announce them via webcasts or during primetime dramas with multiple presenters/hosts?) Just a thought.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

Dear Weather,

Why you gotta be so hot?

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

I would like some chocolate pudding right now.

Love Always,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

I would like to draw mice for a living.

Love Always,

Emily

Dear Universe,

Did that jy just leave?

Love Always,

Emily

Dear Universe,

Please make more movies like American Primitive.

Love Always,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Facebook,

I have a few bones to pick with you. First of all, I'm still sort of pissed that you opened yourself to the whole world a few years back. The uneducated rabble belong on Myspace and Twitter, the home base of porn stars and 13 year olds. Seriously. Wtf. Facebook was supposed to be for COLLEGE STUDENTS. PERIOD. You should at least have kept the high school/college portions separate, if you NEEDED to add high schoolers. Ugh. I'm really learning just how many people in the world don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" as a result of your change. Ignorance was bliss in that area, Facebook.

Secondly, the new format changes have pretty much all been bad. It was a lot more streamlined before. Don't get me wrong, I like the ability to modify preferences more, but with this whole "opening to the world" thing, which you clearly did for money, come quizzes and applications and all this other random bs that we never needed to begin with. The news feed and the info and whatnot were better prior to that as well (seriously, what are all these random boxes? It takes a billion years for some pages to load). Emulating Myspace is NOT a good thing.

Thirdly, as I mentioned previously, I really enjoy the ability to modify preferences. I like that I can choose which friends I do and don't want to see in my news feed. This allows me to ignore those that have no grasp of basic elementary school level grammatical constructions. It also allows me to hide exes, frenemies, and full on arch nemeses from my feed. Then, Facebook, you decide that it's a FANTASTIC IDEA to add a "highlights" section, which randomly pulls popular or new media from my friends' pages. EVEN THE ONES I'VE HIDDEN. That's like getting a fucking restraining order on someone, except they're allowed to sit on your front porch. Or they can hang out with you on Wednesdays. What. The. Fuck. Facebook, there's a reason I don't want to see these people. I don't like them. Or I like them, but I don't want to read about them. Or perhaps I'm still working on getting over them, and don't want to see them on my front page (but felt obligated to friend them back, 'cause otherwise I look like an asshole). Facebook, I'm really not an asshole. I just like you the way you used to be. Given that you won't go back to then, can you please either remove the highlights section completely, or allow it to be modified a la the news feed? Thank you.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

Back That Thang Up

Dear Guy who stands really close behind me at the gym when I'm drinking from the water fountain....could you, like, back up? Thanks.

Love Always,

Nathan Scoggins

From the Church Choir

Dear Creepy Church guy (You know who you are)

Do not ask me for a ride, even though we live close, to church. You have a car and you still ask. Not to be green, but because I think you will be hitting on me the whole way and never pitch in for gas. Besides, I am weary of you knowing where I live.

Yours truly,

Rayer Marie

Attention Drivers!

Dear BMW & Mercedes drivers,

1. There are other people on the road.
2. I know how to drive my 4 cylinder American car.
3. I know you have blinkers, but I don’t know if you were taught to use them. Or if they work in your car… check the blinker fluid. J
4. If you have a car that has that much power, for the love of God, learn how to use it correctly.
5. I will play bumper cars with you cuz my daddy can fix my car.
6. The only status symbol you get with a car like that, is that you are a douche nozzle.

Love Always,

Rayer Marie

Dear Julie Delpy,

I adore you.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Bear

A Dear Jon Letter

Dear Jon,

Why is your face so large and in charge on the billboard on Fountain? Seeing your large face did not make me "get happy." Instead, it made me "get scared." You should consider replacing your face with puppies, rainbows, kittens, ice cream, or anything else that might ACTUALLY make someone happy. God invented airbrushing for a reason. Please, Jon. Airbrush. For the children.

Love Always, Your Friend,

The Ice Cream Betches

Dear Universe,

Why do we sometimes say we are "in a jam" but never "in a jelly"?

Love Always, Your Friends,

The Ice Cream Betches